loose ends

tuesday 17th july @ 9:23 p.m.

fell asleep after work for 4 hours. there is a storm raging outside and all the windows to this drafty flat are rattling. feel better for a kip though.

J is presumably back at home. we are meeting up on thursday when she is coming back to me.

i have been thinking about how this relationship is (not) progressing. when i see her this week i want to kiss her, with all the love that i feel for her. but i know that once this is done, there will be no turning back. our friendship will be altered forever and anything that happens after that will be a risk and could threaten our friendship rather than make it stronger. for now, i have a get out policy, an understanding that for the moment if i am unhappy i can remove my self from the situation. this would of course be hurtful but this can be limited to "i don't want to lose our friendship". after the kiss there can only be true heartbreak if i decide to end it.

i still feel that J is too lonely to end it. even if she felt it was necessary to stay friends, she is too frightened of being alone to consider the implications of a future together.

over the last 3 weeks i have been caring for a young girl on the ward with a nasty leg injury. she was hit by a car while out walking with her boyfriend. he suffered a nasty head injury. i dreamt about her today in my post work sleep. about tieing up the loose ends for her while i was still looking after her. about fixing all the problems and sending her home happy. her family are really great and her friends have been really supportive despite their young age. she is so grown up really. so together. i don't think i've ever been as emotionally stable as she is, despite her ordeal.

her boyfriend is also a patient in the hospital and she has been visiting him everyday. but his brain is mushy and unreliable and i think she is scared that he will never be the same again. maybe he won't. maybe she won't either.

but they are young and will find new loves.