never mine to lose

2001-07-26 but only coz you say so @ 8:52 p.m.

my horoscope today said my emotions would be running high. no change there for this sensitive piscean. but how true.

last night J and i were getting closer than before, a physical closeness that i had been avoiding through fear. i remain cautious. i have to know that this is right.

i had decided this morning to stay longer than intended here with her and this seemed like a good idea at the time. however my dreams are fading with the evening sun. i have seen the house that she will be renting as of next month. it is indeed beautiful. it is clean, brightly decorated and homely. not to mention very affordable. it is of course far from my home.

it came to my attention during afternoon conversation with her mother that they both hope that the guy who is renting the house out, will not wish to return to it when the lease runs out in 2 years. that ideally he would sell the house on his return, where of course J would be waiting with her savings account. this would make her family very happy. i think it would make J happy.

that sounds great of course, the perfect solution to her accomodation problems, help her to build herself a home and settle some roots, have her family close by. i want her to be happy.

but so far away...as we talked i realised that i had convinced myself that we would be together. i knew it would not be soon, but eventually. right now this does not seem possible. i cannot leave my friends, and she cannot leave her family.

even though my folks live so close to this part of the world, and i could visit all the time, i have taken 10 years to establish myself in Brighton, i am not ready to leave.

the whole parent thing kind of freaked me out a bit today. and staying for dinner did not help. i swallowed my panic attack with water and forced down a small helping. the food was delicious, the company kind and friendly but still i feel devoured by them. they meant me no harm, but when every opinion seemed to criticise my life, my loves, i became mute with fear. this is not a new thing, but it has been years since i have allowed my own fear to question my motives, myself, my life, i feel small. i expect they see me as a rather quiet, perculiar creature with bad manners. i'm sure her mother saw my tears. as J excused us from the dinner table, i could hear them thinking that i was taking away their lovely daughter.

for a long while i worried that i would never have you. then i worried that i would lose you.

now i see that you were never mine to lose.