haunted, hiding, but not desperate

monday 8th april 2002 @ 22:23

bacardi and roll ups and student gatecrashers with a teenage sense of cool. i did not feel old, i just felt wiser. a breakthrough.

but there were ghosts in the shadows and in the cupboards despite the changes you had made. old friends and new acquaintances in separate rooms, split like boys and girls at a childhood birthday party. now it is class that divides, not gender, as the grown-ups kiss without compromise or discretion. a thirty-something decline of standards, or desperation. some people know the price of everyone but the value of no one.

and i watched your quiet enthusiasm for the games that played out although you admitted no role in the concluding scenes. you expressed a clean conscience and suggested that she didn't know the game was over. i believed you but failed to see i caught your eye. a different loss made the alcoholic blur a blessing. so when my speech slurred at 4am you couldn't know that i was still hiding, even if you could see me.