i'm trying

monday 2nd september 2002 @ 23:03

a day of confusion, usually signalled by the full moon, took hold of me by the throat. early morning insomnia let me be glad to leave for work at 6.15 as the sky glowed pink with the sunrise. perhaps i should have noted it's warning. maybe i shouldn't have said to my colleague that the day couldn't get any worse after we forced our presence upon a man assaulting the bus driver. he was shaken, bruised and switched the engine off to lay his head on the steering wheel. only a little late for work i waited for the onslaught and allocated myself to take on the challenge of the dying. sickness in the ranks and no hope of a replacement left me little choice but to stay on when my time ended. I donned the apron and gloves and got back to the tasks at hand. and i watch a young woman, her body oozing with cancer, try to fight the disease that will soon kill her. and i listen to her breathing, and her husband sighing, and her daughter sobbing, and i soak up the blood and tears and sweat with compassion. and i fight her corner, because she is losing strength. tonight, 15 hours later, i am glad to be home, but another surprise awaits me, and i remember a passing comment about things coming in threes. she is sick she tells me. i knew that. no better then? no, worse actually. i'm in the hospital, old problems. and i listen, and i try to comfort. but it's happening all over again, and i'm trying not to feel responsible for the pain she feels. and i'm trying not to make the same mistakes again. and i'm trying to remember where i went wrong before, and i'm trying not to fix her, coz she can only fix herself, and i'm trying not to feel guilty for being honest, and i'm trying to figure out how this is happening again, and i'm trying to think what i did for this to happen, and i'm trying not to think of her in that grey hospital that she hates, and i'm trying to be supportive without making it worse, and i'm trying to forget how she might hurt herself or want to end it all, and i'm trying, i'm trying, i'm still trying...

maybe i can get it right this time.