peace in the world where you are not at the centre

thursday 26th june 2003 @ 23:22

i broke away, to a place where you could not find me. where i could not run to you on a whim. where you were not the centre of my world for 3 whole days. and i danced in the water until i was too tired to breathe the salty air anymore and collapsed onto the sand away from you.

i know we shared the same sky still. i know you saw the stars too. but this time i was looking for me, not you. and it wasn't til i returned home that i realised how i'd based all my decisions on you. made all my choices around you. swung my body and soul around your heart waiting for you to stop me.

but i can't fall any further, so it's time to stop hearing the razor blade dreams of my madness and step forward into the life i should be living.

the time away was cleansing and with faith at my side, collecting bugs on the motorway, and revving to heaven and back, i found a little peace.

i saw the shadow of a friend in my mirrors and wonder if i will grow up too, and care less for late night music and twilight chat. happiness is so personal. we can neither call upon another to fulfill our desires nor find our desires in the wishes granted to others. the complexity of relationships continues to tangle my thoughts. however, something seems so clear to me right now. there is no such thing as perfect, no such ideal exists on any level and cannot be found, created or built from unstable foundations that our lives provide for us. there is no single answer. no definable quality that offers a solution to the masses. we must find our own way. and take the fisrt step on the road to anywhere and form our dreams as we travel.

despite all this, i cannot call you yet. i wonder if you miss me, if you even notice that i'm gone. but i'm getting ready to take that first step without you.

reading: jd salinger

hearing: seal

wanting: time to recover

fearing: seeing you before i'm ready