heal my scars baby

monday 30th august 2004 @ 23:50

the rain stopped for a while today. but i didn't rise from my bed to see the blue sky and the sun that glowed through the curtains. i felt the warmth in the room and dozed through the remnants of my dreams.

you woke me early when you came home from a night of dancing and drinking. i could still taste the cider on your tongue. i was grateful that you were home and just drunk enough to tell me how much you love me. this evening the feeling has faded as you slope around the flat feeling washed out and tired.

flashbacks of another time echo darkly around me. a time when another rarely came home at all. a time when another let me stay only to see his shirts clean and the kitchen tidy. a time when i was no competition for the laughing brunette waiting in the wings.

i snapped at him this morning. even as i spat the words, regret rose in my stomach. i had been defending myself you see. fear lets you do strange and uncharacteristic things. fear would let me push you to the limits. fear would let you walk away with my angry tears clinging to your footsteps.

i could try to justify my words but i don't believe you would understand. maybe you've already forgotten about it. maybe i've made it so much bigger than it needs to be. maybe my past got in the way again.

i can't shake off the scars. i can only try to hide them with tattoos of love from you.