7 lessons in love - a montage

saturday 27th april 2002 @ 17:44

The blues play thick through the night and carry me off to where the girls play games in the darkness. I follow the music through midnight drizzle until I find the place I�m looking for. Neon signs twitching in the rain and inside the air so heavy. It pulls my heart to time with the easy rhythm of slow jazz. I sway in the heat and the violet shadows comfort me.

Your smoky drawl crawls across the room, mingling with the regulars and leaving lip-prints on other people�s shot glasses. You don�t open your mouth when you smile and it taunts me, hanging in the air when you�ve gone. I stand alone in your scent. I close my eyes to inhale you and hear you behind me. You are breathing softly and with your lips on my neck you say, �You�ll learn to love it�.

2. Idealisation

In harsh daylight, my breath catches at the sight of every slick brunette. A sentimental soundtrack ascends in the background and I am playing the lead in a movie I don�t know the end of. Tonight when I find you, my casual suit will underline my interest in you. I will glance at you when I think you won�t notice, or maybe I�ll stare too long. When you meet my eyes I will wish for you to take me home, so when I wake tomorrow I won�t be waiting for the telephone to ring.

3. Acceptance

At the sound of your voice on the wire I quiver and I�m sure you can hear the tension in my words. A drink tonight? That would be great. Really great. Anything you ask. Just tell me when, where, how, I�ll be there.

When I see your friends, your naked forearm drapes my waist. I try to show you the fear in my eyes but your pupils dilating in response to mine surprises me. I offer to go the bar and I cool my nervous skin against the chrome. I am not surprised as you breathe into the back of my neck and it vibrates down my spine. You know I�m learning to love it.

4. Declaration

I want to feel your soul in my mouth as I kiss you. I want to taste your heat as I drink you. I want to hear your whispers as we fall. Tell me a tale and I will try to find an ending with you.

5. Consummation

I find your hairs in my bed on damp sheets but not you. I don�t like waking up alone. You bring me coffee without sugar when you hear me move and I feel worthy of your gestures. I�m begging on bended knees when I look up at you and say, �Call me?�. It�s too late already when you leave and don�t look back. I�m already waiting for you to dial my name and leave a lie.

6. Disengagement

I am guilty of falling too fast. Now when I hold out my hand you pretend you haven�t noticed. Light hearted messages remain unanswered and there are only so many excuses I can make on your behalf. You wanted me to love you but I wonder if you know what to do with my love now you have it.

I wait for you in coffee bars where the light is too bright and makes my thoughts transparent. When you saunter through the door, I am watching you not looking for me. Two cappuccinos later and with arms folded over the coat you refused to take off, you tell me how you plan to escape. A flight to warmer shores where the sun shines brighter and nobody knows your name. On the run. You leave without goodbyes because you hate them and I wonder if that means you�re coming back.

On lonely nights I used to wish that I could have you, and when I did I thought that I could never keep you. Now I see that you were never mine to lose.

7. Aftermath

Strangers see me and avoid my gaze, guilty in the knowledge that they have what I have lost. Back home the walls are empty, as though I missed something while I was gone. There is nothing missing, yet everything is stolen.

Days pass grey and silent. Your ghost haunts my bed no matter how much I wash the sheets, lingering in the fibres, in the fabric of my life. A lonely rain falls down dirty windows.